Thursday, August 18, 2011

Thursday 08/18 - 4 am

Yup, with all my bluster about how important artists are I'm up and having another anxiety attack again. My head wakes me up every morning calculating how much money I need to make each month, how can I trim back monthly costs, what frivolous things can I sell off  before fall comes, how much can I sell what for - books, tables, decorations, inspirations, the kayak, bike, truck, wooden cabinets, dry vac, sculptures, prints... where can I sell everything, I can sell everything here, estate sale; how much do I spend on art supplies each month, paint, cleaners, cnavas', how many canvas' do I have left?, what else can I do to get work sold???;  the book, the book, printing costs, plates, paper, spiral binders; gas, heat, food, vet bills, rent, taxes and so and so and so and so, what if, what if, what if, what if ,what if; you'll never make it, you're going to lose everything, you'll end up in the street, your work will end up in the garbage, you'd better get a job - I can't get a job, you've gotta fix that stupid website, finish the book first, get it printed again, how much is that gonna cost? you've been foolish AGAIN, things don't work out well for people like you, people love your work, tons of people believe in you, but why don't they buy?, you'll never, ever be anything, not even a foot note, you're never right, you are and always will be a complete failure and idiot........where can I put my prints to sell, did I post them online, oh - Etsy!, that tattoo shop, has the gallery updated their site yet?, is my work up?, who was that woman who offered me a show, and that place in Providence, open studios maybe I should do open studios Pawtucket, New Bedford, you won't sell anything in New Bedford, New York....

Every single morning it's the same thing. Panic, panic, panic!

My hands are so swollen this morning I can barely bend them. Everything is burning. The pain in my hands, arms, feet and legs is excruciating but my head is causing more pain than my extremities could ever dream off. My head isn't wrong, I should be in a panic. I've had everything planned out, been following the plan but I'm not as far ahead as I'd expected my plan(s) to take me. Regradless: stick to the plan, stick to the plan, always always always stick to the plan. And poke around for a part time job - no lifting.

But first, I'm going back to bed.

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