It's been a stellar week, a lot of plans are in the works that I can't really talk about yet. It's all good and exciting and enabling me to baby step my way to wheer I want to be. However, regardless of what's happened and what's about to happen I am so tired and down today I can barely move. Part of it is summer is coming to an end again and I hate that it's ending soon. I don't feel I accomplished as much as I should or could have but, regardless, Sundays are always hard for me - Sundays always remind me how alone I really am.
A few years ago I had my heart broken by the love of my life. Worse than having family evaporate or friends die, having love just leave me behind like I was a pile of trash left me mentally and emotionally altered in ways I'm not always happy about. I'm not as resiliant as I was, I'm not as caring or trusting as I was, I don't make many friends anyomre, I'm more apt to spend most of my time alone now and I really don't care as much about other peole as I used to. But the experience helped to get me off Cape Cod which was huge but I don't think I'll ever recover from this. Even with all my new found confidence and insight, I'm never going to feel whole. I'm always going to look around and know I don't belong.
My sadness swelled to the surface today most likely because I'm having a RSD day. I can't do much but lay around so I'm gonna go back to my futon and just try to make it thru the rest of my day withot crying anymore. Sometimes that's the best you can do - lay around and wait for the day to end because hopefully tomorrow will feel better.
One must grieve ones losses. It is difficult but know that there are people out in the world that do care about you and worry about you. You are not alone. You are never truly alone.
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