08/07

I'm a little frustrated - I've been trying to lose wieght for the since January and I not only havn't lost an ounce I've gianed 20. I workout, watch what I eat very, very carefully but I still don't get anywhere. When I was a kid, my family had me convinced that I was fat, too fat to live. Going back thru family photos - I get to see I wasn't that big. I was no bigger than the rest of them, all right maybe a little, but certainly not obese. Till I was about 38 I walked around believing I had no right to be alive because I was just so over the top fat. Now that they're all gone I can see things a little clearer, and I am big, but I'm stuck at in the size range they had me convinced I was as a kid.  At 48 I've realized I want to be the best version of me I can, NOT my family's worst version of who they want me to be.

I don't know why I'm writing about this - maybe because I don't know what else to write about. Myabe because I do feel particularly gross today, maybe because I have an opening coming up and I wanted to look and feel better for it asnd my wieght is of particular embarrassment to me. I know I'm in a lot of pain again today, have been all week, and that's not helping - my legs and feet don't want to work which leaves me sitting on my bum...my ever expanding bum. Hopefully my legs will calm down and I can go to the gym in a bit - just like writing this blog, updating my FB page with new work and updating my webpage, excercise is something I can put off. Not that I don't love excercise, I feel fortunate that I can walk at all but it's just so incredibly painful. I believe we try to avoid pain...

Better take a shower first, haven't done that in days - again, it's just so painful.