08/16 10:45 am

Went back to bed and slept, woke up in a panic again. Maybe I should go back to meditating - the forest won't change but at least I won't be looking at just trees.

Some perspective on my goals this year:

• I'm okay - I have a place to live, food and some money
• I'm meeting my immediae goals: 1. Going to NY for labor day weekend ;2. Finishing up and getting the book printed; 3. I have a website up (it has to be redone but I have a base); 4. Have: a photographer, a beautiful brochere 5. a blog and an art page on FB; 6. I'm taken classes in and am printing and learning.

Next set of goals to be acheived:

• Mail out brochere and bio
• Fix website
• Write children's book publishers
• Book shows in Providence and NY
• Find ambitious, aggressive representation - this one I'm lost on but if I put it on my goal list I will do it
• Sell and or get rid of all the stuff in my storage unit and living space I don't need
• Attend shows, make contacts NOTE: Set up gallery date with DEBLOIS!!! (they offered me a one man and I haven't booked the date yet - how disrespectful is that???)
• PUBLICIZE - get yourself in magazines, newpapers, etc 
• Focus
• Lose weight

There. Now that they're listed I feel a bit more organized. When I like I'm not going anywhere and my only accomplishment is running head first into a brick wall I'll read my list.

The only note on the list that's going to be hard for me to do is attend shows. I hate openings. It's too much energy invested in talking and looking at work that half the time isn't very interesting or purposeful - I don't watch sports or hang out, I don't drink or got to the beach so why would I want to go to shows - why would I want to waste my time??? I do have down days but my only do nothing days are days (and or times of day) when I can't walk or hold a brush and or I'm having my mild seizures. Why would I want to invest my healthy, capable time in doing anything else? Why not produce work instead? My greatest fear is that I'll run outta time and my obit will read: "Near do well" or "Almost did well" or better yet "Never did well". And the only thing I'll have to show for being alive is a [comparatively] smallish pile of work and unpaid bills.

I know what I'm be capable of : massive production of work with purpose and clear intent - with the right people I could eat this world alive. So, as someone once said to me: STICK TO THE PLAN. Hopefully, the right people are just around the corner.