10/18 Tuesday

Want to paint.....want to paint! But I have a few other things to do today. I have to get the clothing project finished up for this week's UGLY Gallery show and GET TO THE GYM. I've been so busy getting work done, freaking out over money, booking shows, going to New York, making contacts and getting ready to fight my landlord in court Friday that I haven't been able to workout in weeks and my 48 year old my body is not reacting well to NOT being taken care of.  I'm kind of a bag of pudding anway - there's no losing weight anymore but as a friend at my gym said, "it's all about maintenance now".

If you've been reading my blog you know I'm a focused, goal oriented person. I'm organized and fixated on follow thru so it's hard to accept that I can't lose weight (a big goal of mine this year) and build much muscle anymore - two of my ongoing goals. My age and genetic makeup along with the RSD have made it impossible for me to physically become the person I want be: a cross between Mel Gibson circa 1985, Dylan Morris, the character Lola in "Kinky Boots" and Bette Midler  but instead, as I get older, I'm becoming a taller version of my mom - fat, mushy, wide(r) and flabtastic - all things I worked really hard to avoid. 

It's sad and a little liberating at the same time to be this squishy mess. It's sad because I did work very, very hard to be a physically strong person and now I'm not. But It's liberating to know I can give up in a way - the bod is never gonna be tight, it's never gonna be willowy, it's never gonna be elastic, I'm never gonna be asked to be a sex symbol or model for young girls everywhere and no one is vying for my affection so it's kind of okay if I give in to the mush butt a bit. It's kinda of okay if I look like Mrs. Claus - especially with the holidays coming up......maybe I could make some money using what I flab...er, have.

So, do I work or workout or attempt to do both today? If I just work, I'll get flabbier. If I work out, I'm already having mild RSD attacks and  may not have enough energy to finish my projects for UGLY. Maybe I'll shower and think about it some more - something else I haven't been doing that a lot lately either.

I wanna paint.

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