Wednesday, September 21, 2011

09/21 3:39 am Can't sleep

Yeh, I can't sleep. Woke up worrying about money, work, booking shows, getting my work out there and the issues on the property I'm renting. The drug dealer was out in the alley, between my building and the other onthe grounds, smoking and doing whatever most of the night. My plan was to stay in this place one more season so I could get my footing but the roof is still leaking, the drug dealer is still living here and one of the other tenants, a woman, has men coming and going every night. The situation is just ridiculous.

I'm not really sure why a landlord would chose to run any property this way - having the police here almost every night, the violence, the drugs, the buildings in disrepair....none of it makes sense. I'm fighting for a decent place to live and he's determined to destroy what he has. He's been promising to do things to improve the place for almost a year now: put in security camers, get the police involved, fix my roof, etc but he doesn't DO anything. I on't understand - why would you chose to let your investment go to pot. At some point, you can't resell it and you can't rent it out to anyone but dregs...again, I just don't get it.

The whole situation reminds me of a friend a had  up till about a year ago. Nice enough woman - had a good job, loyal, not someone I had a lot in common with except that we'd both moved here around the same time and didn't know anyone else. But eventually I couldn't keep the relationship going because she was obese, had trouble breathing, didn't excercise, smoked pot, complained about her job, wouldn't go back to school - in general, she had no interest in participating her own life. We'd go out to lunch and  she'd huff and puff her way there, whine about it being too hot or too cold out, complain about not feeling well and then order fried food or sandwiches with heavy breads, lots of butter or cream sauces. It was aweful to watch  Eventually she ate her way to dangerously high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes. She had to go on meds including diabetes shots several times a day but , instead of chosing to change her situation, she continued eating fried food and candy bars and continued smoking and everything else that made and then kept her sick. I just don't understand.

She's actually still in a position to everything around - she could actually make decsions and efforts that would make her health and life better but everday she makes the conscious decision everday to make herself sicker. the last few times I saw her, she seemed to enjoy being viewed as sick and incapable, she seemed to enjoy the attention she was getting from destroying her own health. Maybe I'm more senstive to poor choices because I'm living with an illness that doesn't provide me with the luxury of being able to turn things around. I'm working out and excecising so I can  continue to just walk.

So, I stopped being audience to my old friend's choices but here I am still audience to the mess at my rental. I'm fighting for things to change but I don't see my landlord even attempting change - he is chosing to let it all rot. So, where does that leave me, what am I gonna do? Move? That's MUCH easier said than done - it'll suck up money, time and energy I can't expel. BUT if my landlord isn't invested in changing his own property for the better what is the point?  I don't want to actively chose to live in someone else's poor decisions.

A 3rd choice, outside of moving or staying and accepting the rot, is that I can get the place I'm in up to  to a liveable level and just block out the rest of the world. Either way I know it's time so relieve myself of some of the stuff that's been piling up around me. I guess we'll just see what happens.

BTW, it's 5:15, I've been working on 2 paintings while I was typing this and  I can still smell cigarrette smoke coming from the alleyway.

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