I have got to get to NY and make this work......that's it, there is no compromise....there is nothing else but working, showing and succeeding as an artist in New York.
Pooped. Long, wonderful, fruitful day. Gotta rest up so I can go after my goals tomorrow.
Friday, September 30, 2011
09/30- Friday am
In New York till Sunday - having a good time but more importantly meeting people, handing out my brochere and feeling confident. Yeh, it took me almost 6 hrs to get here from New Bedford, yeh I got lost in Queens...really lost and yeh, we got stuck in thunderous downpours and yeh, the LIRR was hit by lightning and it took us 7 hours to get from Times Square to Copiaque meaning we didn't get to my pals home till almost 3 am but I don't regret a minute. I am proud to be here. It took years for me to make this trip - I feel I've finally earned the right to not only be in NY talking to people and trying to reach my next set of goals but to also call myself an artist. I am in New York.
......or at least I will be when we hop on the train again.Wish me luck.
......or at least I will be when we hop on the train again.Wish me luck.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
09/28 - Off I GO GO GO!!!!
Truck is fine - PHEEEEWY. Off I go to NY after all. Lawdy, lawdy shine your light on me and help me find success this weekend.
- vacuum
- pack clothes
- pack art/book stuff
- pack brocheres
- pack phone
- pack camera
- give Gail a key
- give kitty a kiss
- put recycleables in tote
- hit the road!
- stop by AS220 - pay bill
- pick up more books
- hit the road again, drive to NY again, go after your dream(s) again!!!
- SUCCEED.
09/28 - Wednesday
I'm supposed to be on the road back to New York this morning but there's something wrong with my truck. When I took it in for a quicky oil change the guys at Midas heard some nasty noises and assessed the engine to be "crap" and said it has to be replaced. I quickly took it to my mechanic who says it's not that dramatic - something is just loose. Although the guys at our local Midas were sincere in their concern for my safety, and I do appreciate it, I'm favoring Jim's diagnosis, -but either way it's going to be looked at during time I'm scheuduled to be on the road. Keeping my fingers cross it's NOT a major problem that's making noise under my hood but I've had to replace the radiator and the transmission so far so nothing would surprise me at this point. Frustrate me and drain me of more money yeh but surprise me....no.
However, if it is a(NOTHER) major fix up then I'll try not to take it personally. I'm going to try to view this as a sign from something bigger than me that I must be meant to go to New York another day, another time. If that's the case, I'll take advantage of the extra time and organize better for a future trip.
On the flip side - AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! I've gotta stay on schedule to get where I want to be! And heav'n knows, after all this time, money and effort - I have got to get there!!!!!!! I've got to start making a certain amount of money each month, book shows, sell work and push, push, push for things to happen in larger, more lucrative arenas than I have access to now. I've got to meet people who can help make that happen and I've gots to start to make me some moneys!!! This isn't an option - this is my life, my job, my future.
But first, truck. One more cup of coffee and truck.
However, if it is a(NOTHER) major fix up then I'll try not to take it personally. I'm going to try to view this as a sign from something bigger than me that I must be meant to go to New York another day, another time. If that's the case, I'll take advantage of the extra time and organize better for a future trip.
On the flip side - AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! I've gotta stay on schedule to get where I want to be! And heav'n knows, after all this time, money and effort - I have got to get there!!!!!!! I've got to start making a certain amount of money each month, book shows, sell work and push, push, push for things to happen in larger, more lucrative arenas than I have access to now. I've got to meet people who can help make that happen and I've gots to start to make me some moneys!!! This isn't an option - this is my life, my job, my future.
But first, truck. One more cup of coffee and truck.
Monday, September 26, 2011
09/26 Monday pm
Having panic attacks....or anxiety attacks, I don't know which is which or if there's even a difference. Regardless - I'm freakin' about money, my future, my laundry, the Cave de la Hermitage, my illness, my weight, people who don't like me, people who do like me, living in New Bedford, moving, New York - both getting there and (of course) NOT getting there.....in my head, everything is looming large. It's all taking up a massive amount of space in my head and making me nuts. EVERYTHING comes into my head and freaks me out and then nothing and then everything again.
Oh my gawd.....maybe I better tick off one of my to do lists. Nothing about the far future, just the immediate things that need to be done before I go back on this week's exploratory mission to NY (....the city of my dreams):
Oh my gawd.....maybe I better tick off one of my to do lists. Nothing about the far future, just the immediate things that need to be done before I go back on this week's exploratory mission to NY (....the city of my dreams):
- finish researching galleries on gallery list
- put together brochure mail outs
- PU (pick up) contact stickers
- put contact stickers on book
- wrap books in cello
- mail out first set of books
- OIL CHANGE
- PU stockings
- PU laundry
- CALL and notify BANK about trip!!!
- talk to Gail about watching kitty
- stop by Att. General's office
- clean out truck
- stop freakin' and make your life happen.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
09/25 Sunday - Run Rabbit Run
Okay, after years of work the lithograph print version of "Stories from Scootertown: Run Rabbit Run" is available on Etsy -
Stories from Scootertown: Run Rabbit Run
Right now, I have 50 copies available for $20 each (plus tax and shipping) but I'm booked for a couple of events built around the book already so if you'd like one you'd better order thru Etsy or contact me directly ASAP.
The goal in all this work is to find a publisher I can work with, get into designing toys for Scootertown play and producing a set of books and toys that will appeal to customers for the next 100 years plus. I'm interested to see what Etsy can do.....
To view the first 1/2 of the book online got o my website: http://becklane.com click on the Scootertown in the upper right hand corner. For further info please email me thru the contact page. Enjoy!
Stories from Scootertown: Run Rabbit Run
Right now, I have 50 copies available for $20 each (plus tax and shipping) but I'm booked for a couple of events built around the book already so if you'd like one you'd better order thru Etsy or contact me directly ASAP.
The goal in all this work is to find a publisher I can work with, get into designing toys for Scootertown play and producing a set of books and toys that will appeal to customers for the next 100 years plus. I'm interested to see what Etsy can do.....
To view the first 1/2 of the book online got o my website: http://becklane.com click on the Scootertown in the upper right hand corner. For further info please email me thru the contact page. Enjoy!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
09/24 Saturday - the intent and my head
So sometimes I have to take corrective measures in my paintings. Not all the time but sometimes. Normally, I start off with a very clear idea of what I want and I know how to get there - my head does all the work before I physically do the work which started a few years ago as part of a conscious decision to save time, energy and strength. But sometimes, I forget to set up the canvas, relax, put in a movie, get my mind to step aside and let my my head do the work while my mind is distracted and relaxed. And sometimes, my belief in just being able to DO, fools my head into skipping a few steps and that's what's happened with "Angelina's wheels". Had a clear idea of the start of the work, a fairly clear idea how to finish but didn't give my head the time to really work out all the steps in between so I'm stuck reworking and expending more energy and strength than if I'd cleared my head to begin with and let that thing inside my head do all the heavy lifting - all the work (or prework).
When I started "Angelina's" I could have sworn I'd piss right thru it quickly, my head was relaxed but my head didn't have all the steps yet so I ended up taking it in a direction I hadn't intended and I over worked the paint. So, two days ago I found myself staring at a gloppy, messy, doughy face that was supposed to be the face of a happy little girl with smooth smooth skin and easy dimples. I suppose what I had could've passed on some level but I the obvious brush strokes gave an inference that the child is a complicated child, emphasized eye doe eyes and expressed a cartoonish air. In response to the mediocrity of my attempt, I tried smooth more paint over her already badly painted face - that was a waste of time and so I wiped her face (and other choppy, chunky sections of the painting) down. Cleared the work as good as I could, down to the original coats of black paint and some acrylic and oil stains and started relaxing my head again.
One thing I realized is I covered the original swipes of black in ALL the wrong places and conversely tried to hang onto black in more of the wrong places - I reversed what my head wanted to do....I have no idea why. BUT the thing is not to panic, not to force the paint to correct the situation but instead RELAX, don't think....that thing in my head told me to pull out an old painting I did about 5,6 years ago. The center subject and pivotal figure is a baby and I remember putting myself thru the same (mis)steps with that painting. I also remember not having a cleared head, not relaxing and trying too hard to get it right. Everything around baby was dark and her face was too bridal pink white no matter how light I TRIED to make the baby, she came across as ghoulish. It took me a few days of not looking at it to realize I had to mute and lighten the entire little work to give the baby clarity, bouncy and lightness and that's EXACTLY where I am with "Angelina".
I might leave it alone for a few days and let my head clear and do the work but before i get back to it I do know I have to lighten up the area around her head and face - instead I have to add light, bright colors....both my old painting and my head agree, this is what I should have done to begin with. This is the step I forgot to work out ahead of time. Dummy.
I may have to wipe down more of the work before I go ahead because all the wrong bits will be emphasized if I don't. I don't want her dress to be screaming "I am the key to the message in this painting! I am the story!" which is pretty much what it looks like now - to me anyway. Expressing the true intent behind the work is important, even if it saying the intent in a whisper only audible to a few.
Unfortunately, I expected to have pics of a finished work to post on the blog today but here we are - some of it wiped down and ready to go again. Gotta relax my head first.....hey, if you think the work is bad you should've seem her this morning - doughy-er and PINK, PINK, bridal PINK faced. Yuck....talk about disrespecting the subject and intent....
When I started "Angelina's" I could have sworn I'd piss right thru it quickly, my head was relaxed but my head didn't have all the steps yet so I ended up taking it in a direction I hadn't intended and I over worked the paint. So, two days ago I found myself staring at a gloppy, messy, doughy face that was supposed to be the face of a happy little girl with smooth smooth skin and easy dimples. I suppose what I had could've passed on some level but I the obvious brush strokes gave an inference that the child is a complicated child, emphasized eye doe eyes and expressed a cartoonish air. In response to the mediocrity of my attempt, I tried smooth more paint over her already badly painted face - that was a waste of time and so I wiped her face (and other choppy, chunky sections of the painting) down. Cleared the work as good as I could, down to the original coats of black paint and some acrylic and oil stains and started relaxing my head again.
One thing I realized is I covered the original swipes of black in ALL the wrong places and conversely tried to hang onto black in more of the wrong places - I reversed what my head wanted to do....I have no idea why. BUT the thing is not to panic, not to force the paint to correct the situation but instead RELAX, don't think....that thing in my head told me to pull out an old painting I did about 5,6 years ago. The center subject and pivotal figure is a baby and I remember putting myself thru the same (mis)steps with that painting. I also remember not having a cleared head, not relaxing and trying too hard to get it right. Everything around baby was dark and her face was too bridal pink white no matter how light I TRIED to make the baby, she came across as ghoulish. It took me a few days of not looking at it to realize I had to mute and lighten the entire little work to give the baby clarity, bouncy and lightness and that's EXACTLY where I am with "Angelina".
I might leave it alone for a few days and let my head clear and do the work but before i get back to it I do know I have to lighten up the area around her head and face - instead I have to add light, bright colors....both my old painting and my head agree, this is what I should have done to begin with. This is the step I forgot to work out ahead of time. Dummy.
I may have to wipe down more of the work before I go ahead because all the wrong bits will be emphasized if I don't. I don't want her dress to be screaming "I am the key to the message in this painting! I am the story!" which is pretty much what it looks like now - to me anyway. Expressing the true intent behind the work is important, even if it saying the intent in a whisper only audible to a few.
Unfortunately, I expected to have pics of a finished work to post on the blog today but here we are - some of it wiped down and ready to go again. Gotta relax my head first.....hey, if you think the work is bad you should've seem her this morning - doughy-er and PINK, PINK, bridal PINK faced. Yuck....talk about disrespecting the subject and intent....
The orange around her hair and face are the key to getting her right - orange-s are going to lightness, warmth. She's a happy child, excited about her bike. Orange expresses my intent to express her happiness. Maybe NOW I can get her eyes to chill out....they've been a bit buggy...
Tired, frustrated and doughy little me.
Friday, September 23, 2011
09/23 - Run Rabbit Run
09/16/11
Just a few pages into printing -
09/19
We made a little more headway but ran into some problems -
09/22
And then....full steam ahead!
09/23
Till finally - DONE!
PHEEEEEW!To see 1/2 the book online go to: http://becklane.com/ to the Scootetown tab in the far right corner. Copies available for $20 plus shipping. Please contact (email thru the site or leave me a comment her on my blog) for details.
Friday 09/23 - Scootertown
The book should finally be done today. It was a rough 2 weeks trying to get this started and finished, there were a number of complications, but printing will be finish this morning and by noon we will have started binding them.
There are approx. 100....strike that, several copies have sold or been promised already, so 75 - 12" x 12" copies of "Stories from Scootertown: Run Rabbit Run" will be available for purchase. Here's the official book description and intent statement:
"An adventure in imagination and almost completely wordless, Stories from Scootertown is a series of books designed to let the viewer make up their own words to describe the story at hand. In the first book, Run Rabbit Run we meet Jack, a little rabbit brought up in a cold and angry top hat shaped bunny hutch, and Jimmy, a bookish little boy brought up in a loving home. Their first interaction is distressing but Jimmy learns how to deal with difficult people with the help of a delightful little turtle named HB and, in the end, Jack is surprised to learn he has a true friend in a roller skate wearing bird named Dixie.
Sorry - no pics....where on earth did I leave that camera???! Took pics of the pages being organized and laid out last night......oy. Maybe it's in the truck....... but if you go to http://becklane.com/ and look at the top right hand of the screen you'll see a tab that reads "Scootertown". And, although I'm particularly pleased with the look and feel of new ending, you'll only find the first 1/2 of the book. Copies will be available on Etsy asap or you can contact me directly thru the blog or the website's contact page. $20 plus shipping.
So psyched!
There are approx. 100....strike that, several copies have sold or been promised already, so 75 - 12" x 12" copies of "Stories from Scootertown: Run Rabbit Run" will be available for purchase. Here's the official book description and intent statement:
"An adventure in imagination and almost completely wordless, Stories from Scootertown is a series of books designed to let the viewer make up their own words to describe the story at hand. In the first book, Run Rabbit Run we meet Jack, a little rabbit brought up in a cold and angry top hat shaped bunny hutch, and Jimmy, a bookish little boy brought up in a loving home. Their first interaction is distressing but Jimmy learns how to deal with difficult people with the help of a delightful little turtle named HB and, in the end, Jack is surprised to learn he has a true friend in a roller skate wearing bird named Dixie.
Each Scootertown book comes with a story specific map of the town and either kid friendly recipes, cut out/coloring projects or pull out activity pages that make the books charming, old fashioned, fun, completely interactive and memorable."
Other books in the series include:
· Potluck extravaganza – Dixie invites everyone to participate in his potluck but instead of letting each character bring his own dish he tries to control things by assigning dishes.
· Playtime – Squirrel Joel likes to read, sew and fish; Jimmy and HB ride camels and build castles; Dixie enjoys baking and cooking for others; little dog Bugsy likes running and running and running while Jack revels being left alone to drawing and garden.
Sorry - no pics....where on earth did I leave that camera???! Took pics of the pages being organized and laid out last night......oy. Maybe it's in the truck....... but if you go to http://becklane.com/ and look at the top right hand of the screen you'll see a tab that reads "Scootertown". And, although I'm particularly pleased with the look and feel of new ending, you'll only find the first 1/2 of the book. Copies will be available on Etsy asap or you can contact me directly thru the blog or the website's contact page. $20 plus shipping.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Thurs. 09/22
I'm watching a show called "A day in the life", an online program produced by Hulu. The descrip reads: "Morgan Spurlock (Academy Award Nominated Director of "Supersize Me") has spent the majority of his career turning the camera on himself, inviting the audience to be a part of his own life experiences. This time, he's refocusing his lens on the most innovative and intriguing individuals in our pop culture landscape, allowing the audience to experience what it's like to be at the pinnacle of an exciting and extraordinary career by being "a fly on the wall" during the course of a typical day. Each episode goes behind the scenes with today's leading figures - celebrities, musicians, comedians, dancers, entrepreneurs - literally chronicling one day in their lives in a half-hour documentary film."
So far I've watched an episode featuring "Mr. Brainwash", an "artist" who became famous thru the documentray "Exit thru the gift shop" and another episode on Girl Talk, a mash up dj "artist". I'm watching this and getting angrier and angrier - both men do nothing more than make direct copies of actual artist's work and pass it off as their own. Blatant, unashamed, arrogant and overpaid they're thieves with an international stage.
The director of "A day", Spurlock, is an incredibly insightful, self reflective man so watching the series has left me wondering - what is his intent? I don't know if the show is dedicated to exploring how the world has started to perceive intellectual and artistic property or a show dedicated to being a look at people who have quite effectively pulled the wool over our eyes or a look at people he considers actual artists....I just don't know. I want to watch more but I feel sick to my stomach and I can't get past the fact that Spurlock seems to celebrating men who's only tangible talent is rooted in effectively stealing other people's work, even famous work (!!!), and passing it off as their own! This is horrifying - it's a celebration of inability, laziness, mediocrity, and stealing.
"Sampling", whether it's in music or art, is something I take great issue with. As an artist, I am horrified that people get away with stealing work and ideas. The law protects most facets of our society from theft but in the art world.....there are no bounds and now we're being told to accept out and out theft, it's no big deal. Yah know, having your work stolen and copied is to people who are talented enough to produce work that hasn't been seen heard or tasted before. It is a big deal to people who produce original work everyday. It is a big deal to people like me who aren't pretending.
Everday all day, we're told what to like, we're told what to buy, we're told what our next big thing is going to be - but usually, that next big thing, is a copy of someone else's proven to be lucrative invention. I really hope this show is meant to be tongue in cheek, I hope Spurlock is just pulling our legs by showcasing artists who are pulling our legs.
Interviewer: "I heard a rumor that you're creating original music now."
Girl talk : "Naaaah, not really. I want Girl Talk to be perceived as original music".
I'm gonna throw up.
http://becklane.com/
So far I've watched an episode featuring "Mr. Brainwash", an "artist" who became famous thru the documentray "Exit thru the gift shop" and another episode on Girl Talk, a mash up dj "artist". I'm watching this and getting angrier and angrier - both men do nothing more than make direct copies of actual artist's work and pass it off as their own. Blatant, unashamed, arrogant and overpaid they're thieves with an international stage.
The director of "A day", Spurlock, is an incredibly insightful, self reflective man so watching the series has left me wondering - what is his intent? I don't know if the show is dedicated to exploring how the world has started to perceive intellectual and artistic property or a show dedicated to being a look at people who have quite effectively pulled the wool over our eyes or a look at people he considers actual artists....I just don't know. I want to watch more but I feel sick to my stomach and I can't get past the fact that Spurlock seems to celebrating men who's only tangible talent is rooted in effectively stealing other people's work, even famous work (!!!), and passing it off as their own! This is horrifying - it's a celebration of inability, laziness, mediocrity, and stealing.
"Sampling", whether it's in music or art, is something I take great issue with. As an artist, I am horrified that people get away with stealing work and ideas. The law protects most facets of our society from theft but in the art world.....there are no bounds and now we're being told to accept out and out theft, it's no big deal. Yah know, having your work stolen and copied is to people who are talented enough to produce work that hasn't been seen heard or tasted before. It is a big deal to people who produce original work everyday. It is a big deal to people like me who aren't pretending.
Everday all day, we're told what to like, we're told what to buy, we're told what our next big thing is going to be - but usually, that next big thing, is a copy of someone else's proven to be lucrative invention. I really hope this show is meant to be tongue in cheek, I hope Spurlock is just pulling our legs by showcasing artists who are pulling our legs.
Interviewer: "I heard a rumor that you're creating original music now."
Girl talk : "Naaaah, not really. I want Girl Talk to be perceived as original music".
I'm gonna throw up.
http://becklane.com/
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
6:00 pm - work update.
"Angelina's wheels"
Yes, she look like a Smurf and the face is off BUT this is the work 1/2 way thru - she won't be Smurtastic for long. Because I find it easier to get the work done if a build a puzzle first - I always add colors that make the work a challenge to finish and help to make it pop in the end.
09/21 - Work in progress
Since I couldn't sleep, I got back to work on both paintings. Since I'd already (my usual steps listed a 2 blog posts ago) added black background, chalk outline drawings, highlighted in marker, added acrylic color, more black (my usual steps listed a 2 blog posts ago) , I've started going in with oils.
Aside: The top of "Dysfucntional objects" is heavy with thick textures, the bottom has almost no texture beyond paint strokes. I use both thick textures and lite content to emphasize portions of my works - at either end of the spectrum there's an idea or feeling I'm trying to convey.
http://becklane.com/
Aside: The top of "Dysfucntional objects" is heavy with thick textures, the bottom has almost no texture beyond paint strokes. I use both thick textures and lite content to emphasize portions of my works - at either end of the spectrum there's an idea or feeling I'm trying to convey.
"Angelina's wheels"
09/21 3:39 am Can't sleep
Yeh, I can't sleep. Woke up worrying about money, work, booking shows, getting my work out there and the issues on the property I'm renting. The drug dealer was out in the alley, between my building and the other onthe grounds, smoking and doing whatever most of the night. My plan was to stay in this place one more season so I could get my footing but the roof is still leaking, the drug dealer is still living here and one of the other tenants, a woman, has men coming and going every night. The situation is just ridiculous.
I'm not really sure why a landlord would chose to run any property this way - having the police here almost every night, the violence, the drugs, the buildings in disrepair....none of it makes sense. I'm fighting for a decent place to live and he's determined to destroy what he has. He's been promising to do things to improve the place for almost a year now: put in security camers, get the police involved, fix my roof, etc but he doesn't DO anything. I on't understand - why would you chose to let your investment go to pot. At some point, you can't resell it and you can't rent it out to anyone but dregs...again, I just don't get it.
The whole situation reminds me of a friend a had up till about a year ago. Nice enough woman - had a good job, loyal, not someone I had a lot in common with except that we'd both moved here around the same time and didn't know anyone else. But eventually I couldn't keep the relationship going because she was obese, had trouble breathing, didn't excercise, smoked pot, complained about her job, wouldn't go back to school - in general, she had no interest in participating her own life. We'd go out to lunch and she'd huff and puff her way there, whine about it being too hot or too cold out, complain about not feeling well and then order fried food or sandwiches with heavy breads, lots of butter or cream sauces. It was aweful to watch Eventually she ate her way to dangerously high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes. She had to go on meds including diabetes shots several times a day but , instead of chosing to change her situation, she continued eating fried food and candy bars and continued smoking and everything else that made and then kept her sick. I just don't understand.
She's actually still in a position to everything around - she could actually make decsions and efforts that would make her health and life better but everday she makes the conscious decision everday to make herself sicker. the last few times I saw her, she seemed to enjoy being viewed as sick and incapable, she seemed to enjoy the attention she was getting from destroying her own health. Maybe I'm more senstive to poor choices because I'm living with an illness that doesn't provide me with the luxury of being able to turn things around. I'm working out and excecising so I can continue to just walk.
So, I stopped being audience to my old friend's choices but here I am still audience to the mess at my rental. I'm fighting for things to change but I don't see my landlord even attempting change - he is chosing to let it all rot. So, where does that leave me, what am I gonna do? Move? That's MUCH easier said than done - it'll suck up money, time and energy I can't expel. BUT if my landlord isn't invested in changing his own property for the better what is the point? I don't want to actively chose to live in someone else's poor decisions.
A 3rd choice, outside of moving or staying and accepting the rot, is that I can get the place I'm in up to to a liveable level and just block out the rest of the world. Either way I know it's time so relieve myself of some of the stuff that's been piling up around me. I guess we'll just see what happens.
BTW, it's 5:15, I've been working on 2 paintings while I was typing this and I can still smell cigarrette smoke coming from the alleyway.
http://becklane.com/
I'm not really sure why a landlord would chose to run any property this way - having the police here almost every night, the violence, the drugs, the buildings in disrepair....none of it makes sense. I'm fighting for a decent place to live and he's determined to destroy what he has. He's been promising to do things to improve the place for almost a year now: put in security camers, get the police involved, fix my roof, etc but he doesn't DO anything. I on't understand - why would you chose to let your investment go to pot. At some point, you can't resell it and you can't rent it out to anyone but dregs...again, I just don't get it.
The whole situation reminds me of a friend a had up till about a year ago. Nice enough woman - had a good job, loyal, not someone I had a lot in common with except that we'd both moved here around the same time and didn't know anyone else. But eventually I couldn't keep the relationship going because she was obese, had trouble breathing, didn't excercise, smoked pot, complained about her job, wouldn't go back to school - in general, she had no interest in participating her own life. We'd go out to lunch and she'd huff and puff her way there, whine about it being too hot or too cold out, complain about not feeling well and then order fried food or sandwiches with heavy breads, lots of butter or cream sauces. It was aweful to watch Eventually she ate her way to dangerously high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes. She had to go on meds including diabetes shots several times a day but , instead of chosing to change her situation, she continued eating fried food and candy bars and continued smoking and everything else that made and then kept her sick. I just don't understand.
She's actually still in a position to everything around - she could actually make decsions and efforts that would make her health and life better but everday she makes the conscious decision everday to make herself sicker. the last few times I saw her, she seemed to enjoy being viewed as sick and incapable, she seemed to enjoy the attention she was getting from destroying her own health. Maybe I'm more senstive to poor choices because I'm living with an illness that doesn't provide me with the luxury of being able to turn things around. I'm working out and excecising so I can continue to just walk.
So, I stopped being audience to my old friend's choices but here I am still audience to the mess at my rental. I'm fighting for things to change but I don't see my landlord even attempting change - he is chosing to let it all rot. So, where does that leave me, what am I gonna do? Move? That's MUCH easier said than done - it'll suck up money, time and energy I can't expel. BUT if my landlord isn't invested in changing his own property for the better what is the point? I don't want to actively chose to live in someone else's poor decisions.
A 3rd choice, outside of moving or staying and accepting the rot, is that I can get the place I'm in up to to a liveable level and just block out the rest of the world. Either way I know it's time so relieve myself of some of the stuff that's been piling up around me. I guess we'll just see what happens.
BTW, it's 5:15, I've been working on 2 paintings while I was typing this and I can still smell cigarrette smoke coming from the alleyway.
http://becklane.com/
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
09/20 Tuesday am Neo Megilp...mommy's favorite
This morning I'm researching galleries trying to find galleries that'll show someone like me - an unknown who's painting style(s) have nothing to do with what's been done before.....or at least, I haven't seen before. Although selling new can be a tough sell, I'm proud that whatever ability it is that flows thru me isn't safe or practiced. But anyway -
I'm, starting to work on applying oil to my new works. This is the point in painting I get really excited about - just before my brush meets oil paint and the two meet Gamblin Neo Megilp, a gooey, flowy medium that makes my paint vibriant and explosive with color. using Megilp brings me to this transcandental place where I can relax and get lost in the look and feel of the paint - the way it moves, the way it builds....it' just luscious.
I found Neo Megilp (pronounced meh-jilp) about a year ago and it completely changed the way I paint - my paint doesn't feel stiff any more, and I don't feel like I'm simply pushing product around trying to build an image - Megilp makes my paint actually feel alive, like it has an inner presence or soul and athought process of it's own and it's bringing me to the image....if that makes any sense to anyone but me.
For years I used a traditional mixture of Damar varnish, Linseed oil and mineral spirits but I hated that it yellowed and dried so slowly - it's really not a mixture that is of any benefit to the work or the artist but, for the instructor who taught me to use it, it's all she knew. Being introduced to Megilp was one of the best things that's ever happened to me. My oil paint dries in a reasonible amount of time, it adds a rich and creamy texture to my paint and Megilp also works like a conduit for light trapping and the reflecting light off the underlayerse and backup up thru the paint.
So this is the point where I get excited - it's almost time to get lost in the life of my paint with my favorite medium.
http://becklane.com/
I'm, starting to work on applying oil to my new works. This is the point in painting I get really excited about - just before my brush meets oil paint and the two meet Gamblin Neo Megilp, a gooey, flowy medium that makes my paint vibriant and explosive with color. using Megilp brings me to this transcandental place where I can relax and get lost in the look and feel of the paint - the way it moves, the way it builds....it' just luscious.
I found Neo Megilp (pronounced meh-jilp) about a year ago and it completely changed the way I paint - my paint doesn't feel stiff any more, and I don't feel like I'm simply pushing product around trying to build an image - Megilp makes my paint actually feel alive, like it has an inner presence or soul and athought process of it's own and it's bringing me to the image....if that makes any sense to anyone but me.
For years I used a traditional mixture of Damar varnish, Linseed oil and mineral spirits but I hated that it yellowed and dried so slowly - it's really not a mixture that is of any benefit to the work or the artist but, for the instructor who taught me to use it, it's all she knew. Being introduced to Megilp was one of the best things that's ever happened to me. My oil paint dries in a reasonible amount of time, it adds a rich and creamy texture to my paint and Megilp also works like a conduit for light trapping and the reflecting light off the underlayerse and backup up thru the paint.
So this is the point where I get excited - it's almost time to get lost in the life of my paint with my favorite medium.
http://becklane.com/
Monday, September 19, 2011
09/19 - Monday pm - Starting new work tonight
I'm starting two new paintings tonight. Not sure how far I'll get, I'm pretty poopooed, But a few friends asked me to start explaining my painting techniques.
Step 1: About a year ago I started doing something totally different from what I'd been used to - instead of working these medium size canvas' and doing what felt safe I started aplying a second layer, almost another ground, to my already Gesso'd canvas or plain masonite. Instead of going in with an idea I began doing something that's changed the way I work and it's made my mind work in a more relaxed manner - before I do anything else, I put down wide strokes and swaths of black paint. Just mash it around. Huge sweeping motions - no plans, no direction(s), no intent - just mindless swipes at the surface. And then hit a few spots with a second coat - not too many though...not enough to make it feel finished and constructed.
Step 2:. The I add big bold spray paint lines and circles - again, no plan, no direction, no intent. Just sweeps of color.
Step 3: Throw on more black paint - splatter it. Splatter!
Step 4: I draw in the subject, if there is one, with chalk or colored pencil, sometimes I add color with acrylic paint marker if I feel like it and then I add acrylic colors that make me happy - not "appropriate" colors, just colors that I like at that moment.
Step 5: Follow all that with text - if there is any and.....WHALLAH! Whith that I have a surface I want to start with: a messed up, mind Fk of a puzzle that is going to take a major LACK of concentration to figure out. It's a puzzle but instead of staring at it intently and rubbing my chin adn tryin' real hard to figure out the puzzle, I tend to just forget what I'm doing, relax, put on NPR or a movie and let my mind drift....it's in that like meditation that I accept the mess and turn it around - I find the places inbetween the messy strokes that I find the pattern that allows the intended image to arrive. My work is....an anti puzzzle puzzle that I don't puzzle over, I let the puzzle unpuzzle itself infront of me. It sounds puzzling. my work is....layers of and textures that I build up and then just ignore to find the basis for the real intended image of the work.
Here's pics of the two I'll be working on:
Tomorrow: add Gamblin oil paint with Neo Megilp. Yumm.
http://becklane.com/
Step 1: About a year ago I started doing something totally different from what I'd been used to - instead of working these medium size canvas' and doing what felt safe I started aplying a second layer, almost another ground, to my already Gesso'd canvas or plain masonite. Instead of going in with an idea I began doing something that's changed the way I work and it's made my mind work in a more relaxed manner - before I do anything else, I put down wide strokes and swaths of black paint. Just mash it around. Huge sweeping motions - no plans, no direction(s), no intent - just mindless swipes at the surface. And then hit a few spots with a second coat - not too many though...not enough to make it feel finished and constructed.
Step 2:. The I add big bold spray paint lines and circles - again, no plan, no direction, no intent. Just sweeps of color.
Step 3: Throw on more black paint - splatter it. Splatter!
Step 4: I draw in the subject, if there is one, with chalk or colored pencil, sometimes I add color with acrylic paint marker if I feel like it and then I add acrylic colors that make me happy - not "appropriate" colors, just colors that I like at that moment.
Step 5: Follow all that with text - if there is any and.....WHALLAH! Whith that I have a surface I want to start with: a messed up, mind Fk of a puzzle that is going to take a major LACK of concentration to figure out. It's a puzzle but instead of staring at it intently and rubbing my chin adn tryin' real hard to figure out the puzzle, I tend to just forget what I'm doing, relax, put on NPR or a movie and let my mind drift....it's in that like meditation that I accept the mess and turn it around - I find the places inbetween the messy strokes that I find the pattern that allows the intended image to arrive. My work is....an anti puzzzle puzzle that I don't puzzle over, I let the puzzle unpuzzle itself infront of me. It sounds puzzling. my work is....layers of and textures that I build up and then just ignore to find the basis for the real intended image of the work.
Here's pics of the two I'll be working on:
This is canvas, 5' x 4', is set up for to do a work based on this photo:
I love the dress and know what I'm going to do,,,very exciting.
And these:
This 3' x 5' canvas, is the start of "Dysfunctional objects" and will have a middle aged man's head on a dolls body - I'm particularly excited about the hands. I want something smooth and chubby like Palmolive hands but a bit meatier.
So, as you can see - they're puzzles. I love puzzles.
http://becklane.com/
Mon. 09/19 I was Bukowski's bar fly
I started drinking at the Yarmouth Drive-in when I was 13 years old. A friend from Girl Scout Camp and her brother picked me up and took me to see "Star Wars". I remember being blind drunk on Screwdrivers and watching the hover craft float across the screen, I remember R2D2 and C3PO standing out in the desert having some kind of a conversation and then I remember being in the car again and throwing up out the window. I also remember getting home and no one even noticing....or if they did, they never said anything. Something in my little head clicked on that night giving me the go ahead to drink myself stupid everyday and everynight for the better part of the next 25(?) years or so.
There were bouts of "sobriety" inbetween - periods where I didn't drink any alcohol but being dry and being sober are 2 completely different animals.....I just earned the right to call myself sober about 5 years ago. Dry is when you stop drinking but don't do any inner work, sobriety is a conscious decision to take a path that will force you to take a good, long, hard, honest look at yourself, understand why you drink or drug or over eat or act on addictive impulse and you have do it with others who will hold you accountable so you don't keep deluding yourself in you're own little messed up world. Relatively speaking, dry is easy peasy, it's a hard step but not the hardest step. The hardest step is the path to sobriety. That takes guts. And I'm not saying "look at me! I'm done and I'm perfect now!" - you're never done, no of us are ever perfect.
In the steps to attaining and maintaining sobriety you take have to decide to sit down and take a look at your monsters and REALLY deal with them, you have to talk about them and your involvement in your own life with other people. You have to be honest and learn to not hide behind anything or anyone, you have to learn to shed that thin veneer that makes you feel so powerful and above everyone else when you're an active alcoholic and or addict. But after an addict has been living with one set of behaviors for so long changing direction is hard, very, very hard. Sobriety isn't as easy as announcing "I'm sober now", sobriety involves work - it's a painful, embarrassing, humiliating job that, extremely humbling and in the end, gives you the strength and freedom to live your life.
As an addict and alcoholic I didn't know how to be honest, I didn't understand why I was doing what I was doing most of the time, I couldn't control my anger but I wanted people to just love me without merit. My artwork had no context, no direction and, quite frankly, wasn't very good- my work was at best as mediocre as my life but my "life" was wholey based in hiding from life in alcohol and drugs. Everyday, I'd count the minutes till I could get another drink, I'd "white knuckle it" all day till I could drink with my drunk ass pals and not have to feel guilty about what I was doing with my life. I'd lie to myself all day long about my drinking - I really thought drinking made me look tough and emboldened, like an independant woman who could do anything when, really, I was a little girl, afraid of life, with no direction and no way to figure out what to do with myself except hide in alcohol other drunks.
This is very Lifetime Channel....
Today, after going thru several years "in the program", I've got a much clearer picture of my life - I know why I had those compulsions, I know why I was so angry, I know what is tolerable behavior and what is just crap, I know that I actually do have to come first in my own life and, since I've decided to be an active participant in my own life, I KNOW what I want to do with the rest of my life, I'm not afraid to set goals and work really hard to reach them anymore and I'm not overwhelmed by my "need" to drink or drug. I feel all grown up and capable of doing almost anything on my own now - it's nice being like this. I prefer being a go getter...it doesn't make me popular, in fact, having clear goals and working to reach them has kinda limited my teeny tiny circle but it's okay - I prefer being aligned with people who are in control, goal oriented, awake and alive and not counting the seconds to their next drink or drug. Those days are unprofitable and over for me. I have things to do now.
http://becklane.com/
There were bouts of "sobriety" inbetween - periods where I didn't drink any alcohol but being dry and being sober are 2 completely different animals.....I just earned the right to call myself sober about 5 years ago. Dry is when you stop drinking but don't do any inner work, sobriety is a conscious decision to take a path that will force you to take a good, long, hard, honest look at yourself, understand why you drink or drug or over eat or act on addictive impulse and you have do it with others who will hold you accountable so you don't keep deluding yourself in you're own little messed up world. Relatively speaking, dry is easy peasy, it's a hard step but not the hardest step. The hardest step is the path to sobriety. That takes guts. And I'm not saying "look at me! I'm done and I'm perfect now!" - you're never done, no of us are ever perfect.
In the steps to attaining and maintaining sobriety you take have to decide to sit down and take a look at your monsters and REALLY deal with them, you have to talk about them and your involvement in your own life with other people. You have to be honest and learn to not hide behind anything or anyone, you have to learn to shed that thin veneer that makes you feel so powerful and above everyone else when you're an active alcoholic and or addict. But after an addict has been living with one set of behaviors for so long changing direction is hard, very, very hard. Sobriety isn't as easy as announcing "I'm sober now", sobriety involves work - it's a painful, embarrassing, humiliating job that, extremely humbling and in the end, gives you the strength and freedom to live your life.
As an addict and alcoholic I didn't know how to be honest, I didn't understand why I was doing what I was doing most of the time, I couldn't control my anger but I wanted people to just love me without merit. My artwork had no context, no direction and, quite frankly, wasn't very good- my work was at best as mediocre as my life but my "life" was wholey based in hiding from life in alcohol and drugs. Everyday, I'd count the minutes till I could get another drink, I'd "white knuckle it" all day till I could drink with my drunk ass pals and not have to feel guilty about what I was doing with my life. I'd lie to myself all day long about my drinking - I really thought drinking made me look tough and emboldened, like an independant woman who could do anything when, really, I was a little girl, afraid of life, with no direction and no way to figure out what to do with myself except hide in alcohol other drunks.
This is very Lifetime Channel....
Today, after going thru several years "in the program", I've got a much clearer picture of my life - I know why I had those compulsions, I know why I was so angry, I know what is tolerable behavior and what is just crap, I know that I actually do have to come first in my own life and, since I've decided to be an active participant in my own life, I KNOW what I want to do with the rest of my life, I'm not afraid to set goals and work really hard to reach them anymore and I'm not overwhelmed by my "need" to drink or drug. I feel all grown up and capable of doing almost anything on my own now - it's nice being like this. I prefer being a go getter...it doesn't make me popular, in fact, having clear goals and working to reach them has kinda limited my teeny tiny circle but it's okay - I prefer being aligned with people who are in control, goal oriented, awake and alive and not counting the seconds to their next drink or drug. Those days are unprofitable and over for me. I have things to do now.
http://becklane.com/
Sunday, September 18, 2011
09/18 Sunday morning
Oh my goodness - what a relief. I woke up this morning full of hope and energy and new goals. My new website has REvitalized my focus on my work and so i'm siting on my squishy touche' organizing lists of galleries that I've vistied seen or researched; I'm emailing and putting together promo materials; I'm making lists and more lists of things I need to do to reach my next set of goals this year and looking forward to painting in a bit. I've got a lot of work to get caught up on for Oct. but in the meantime....
I'm so relieved to have a site(!!!) it feels like anything possible now. Holy cow, I thnk about all the time and work that went into getting everything in place to reach this goal.....absolutely incredible, monumental even but I did it....I DID IT!...okay, with a lot of help but I DID IT! I DID IT!!!
What am I gonna do to celebrate you ask?:
Mommy - take us to make the pee pees please - NOW!
http://becklane.com/
I'm so relieved to have a site(!!!) it feels like anything possible now. Holy cow, I thnk about all the time and work that went into getting everything in place to reach this goal.....absolutely incredible, monumental even but I did it....I DID IT!...okay, with a lot of help but I DID IT! I DID IT!!!
What am I gonna do to celebrate you ask?:
- Shower
- Walk Bugsy
- Walk Bugsy and Kitty in the woods
- Come back to Cave de la Hermitage -
- organize my listS of galleries, send out queries and
- PAINT!
Mommy - take us to make the pee pees please - NOW!Saturday, September 17, 2011
09/17 8:30 pm - IT'S UP!!!!!!
I HAVE A WEBSITE!!!!!! I didn't design it but I HAVE A WEBSITE!!!!!!
Please check everything out including the Scootertown page - black and white and red printing of Run Rabbit Run from my series Stories from Scootertown will done next week. Once they're bound, copies will be available for purchase....box of crayons included. Take a look see!:
http://www.becklane.com/
Please check everything out including the Scootertown page - black and white and red printing of Run Rabbit Run from my series Stories from Scootertown will done next week. Once they're bound, copies will be available for purchase....box of crayons included. Take a look see!:
http://www.becklane.com/
09/17 Saturday
This has been a bitch of a week and I still don't understand how things could go as horribly wrong as they have. Hopefully next week will be better.
On the upside, my site is almost done and up! Woohoo!!! FINALLY!!!!
Goin' to the gym and gonna walk my dog and hope people are able to straighten their own shit out before dealing with me again. "That's all I have to say about that" - Forest Gump
http://becklane.com/
On the upside, my site is almost done and up! Woohoo!!! FINALLY!!!!
Goin' to the gym and gonna walk my dog and hope people are able to straighten their own shit out before dealing with me again. "That's all I have to say about that" - Forest Gump
http://becklane.com/
Friday, September 16, 2011
Friday 09/16 I don't like depending on other people
This has been an extremely frustrating week with all of my projects being dependant on other people. Unfortunately, they're people who have no really interest in getting the job done other than they get paid in the end but some of their pay is dependant on how long they can get away with stretching the job out so there is NO incentive to getting anything done. So why would anyone charge a client for the 3 hours you ALMOST did something when you can get away with telling your employer you worked 7 hours and at $25 an hr...that seems like incentive enough to me for padding the clock.
One of the people in charge of a Beck Lane job thinks his charm has me snowed into believeing he's actually getting the job done - ah, no. His charm and charming smile may work as leverage with other people but I'm not that blind to his true self anymore - all I can see is his laziness, his lack of work ethic and his incompetence and how manipulative he is with people who trust him including his boss'. I'm so angry, so disguted. There are a lot of people out there in need of jobs, there's gotta be someone out there who will do the work honestly.
I want to spout off but I can't because people I care about are caught in the middle. So I'll say what Forest Gump would say "That's all I have to say about that".
Well, an entire week and 100s of dollars gone. Being that I don't have unlimited reasources, I'm on a tight schedule and my time and money have been treated with little respect I am angry.
One of the people in charge of a Beck Lane job thinks his charm has me snowed into believeing he's actually getting the job done - ah, no. His charm and charming smile may work as leverage with other people but I'm not that blind to his true self anymore - all I can see is his laziness, his lack of work ethic and his incompetence and how manipulative he is with people who trust him including his boss'. I'm so angry, so disguted. There are a lot of people out there in need of jobs, there's gotta be someone out there who will do the work honestly.
I want to spout off but I can't because people I care about are caught in the middle. So I'll say what Forest Gump would say "That's all I have to say about that".
Well, an entire week and 100s of dollars gone. Being that I don't have unlimited reasources, I'm on a tight schedule and my time and money have been treated with little respect I am angry.
Monday, September 12, 2011
09/12 - headache
I have an unbelieveable headache today. Where I'm living is driving me nuts - I rented my little building, Cave de la Hermitage, because it was quiet, I didn't have to be bothered by anyone and I thought I had a backyard I could use but instead, I have a heroin/crack dealer for a neighbor who uses street people as corner boys, another neighbor who's a weed smoking drunk and who encourages street people to hang out on our in the 'hood, a leaky roof, blah, blah, blah. The extremity of the situation just kinda hit me this morning again.
I have a lot to consider by the end of the year -do I continue the legal fight for safety and quiet where I live?; do I put my energy (and money) into finding a new place to live or do I keep my focus on acheiving my goals?; is there a location (besides NYC) that will better suit my goals? Deciding to continue to fight for my right for a safe place to live might be a tremendous waste of energy especially since I live in a city that's almost wholey invested in it's past history while at the same time reveling in it's present addictions to poverty, drugs, violence, gangs, garbage, etc. However, if I decide move, I have a lot of stuff I need to sell off to lighten my load - selling my belongings will take even more energy and energy that I then can't put into my work and I've already lost months and thousands of dollars to developing my own website which I've just given up on and handed over to someone else. I know I have to move - I need to be in a community that has more than a handful of people who are invested in their own lives. I need to be around more people who are looking forward and who are pressing into their futures.
Maybe I'll try to put all this aside today - reorganize my paintings, wrap them in plastic, get my pic files organized for the web designer, finish up 2 paintings, start my painting donation for Rev Rouss' fundraiser at the Working Waterfront Fest and clean my place. Maybe then my head will ease - if I focus on me and don't even think about the chaos around me. I just wish I could open my backdoor and enjoy some sunshine without being on guard.
I have a lot to consider by the end of the year -do I continue the legal fight for safety and quiet where I live?; do I put my energy (and money) into finding a new place to live or do I keep my focus on acheiving my goals?; is there a location (besides NYC) that will better suit my goals? Deciding to continue to fight for my right for a safe place to live might be a tremendous waste of energy especially since I live in a city that's almost wholey invested in it's past history while at the same time reveling in it's present addictions to poverty, drugs, violence, gangs, garbage, etc. However, if I decide move, I have a lot of stuff I need to sell off to lighten my load - selling my belongings will take even more energy and energy that I then can't put into my work and I've already lost months and thousands of dollars to developing my own website which I've just given up on and handed over to someone else. I know I have to move - I need to be in a community that has more than a handful of people who are invested in their own lives. I need to be around more people who are looking forward and who are pressing into their futures.
Maybe I'll try to put all this aside today - reorganize my paintings, wrap them in plastic, get my pic files organized for the web designer, finish up 2 paintings, start my painting donation for Rev Rouss' fundraiser at the Working Waterfront Fest and clean my place. Maybe then my head will ease - if I focus on me and don't even think about the chaos around me. I just wish I could open my backdoor and enjoy some sunshine without being on guard.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
09/11 Sunday
I have absolutely no point of reference for 09/11 other than it was a terrifying day and one that has brought our nation and the world to it's breaking point. I hadn't been to NY, I had pals in NY but I have no real point of reference and I certainly don't have the right to address our nations darkest moment in my stupid little blog today. It's not my place.
In complete contrast to the extreme sadness I feel today, I'd like to share three "it could only happend to me and Lucy" stories -
Story 1: About 6 years ago, I got all dressed up and headed off Cape Cod to meet a new friend in Providence. I had on a white blouse, blue Danskos, my favorite blue and white batik cotton wrap skirt on and put all my crap in my new blue cordoroy backpack. Being about 40 lbs lighter than I am now, I felt as confident as a queen. My confidence and I parked the car, marched up to the capital building, marched aroudn the capital building and, not finding my new friend, marched down towards the park. Stll unable to find said friend, I marched over to the train stationa nd then over to Providence Place, the city's upscale mall.
Being spring time, it was still a tad chilly and my skirt was a little thin so my bottom was a chill but I marched along like a little trooper looking for my friend. Along my hike I heard a number of people kinda giggling but it was a nice day, one of the first good days that season and I attributed the giggles to people being happy. It was a fantastic day to be in Providence. The buildings glowed with sunlight. Everyone was chatty and out appreciating that beautiful day in the city.
At some point in my walk, I realized I needed to adjust my backpack which had been bouncing up and down at the base of my back and needed to be adjusted because it was becoming uncomfortable. So I grabbed the base to adjust and felt a stack of cotton fabric.......it was at that point that I realized that, with each little bounce, my backpack had been grabbing my skirt and hiked it up till I was mooning everyone behind me.
Story 2: A couple of years ago, my first spreing day in New Bedford, I set out to explore the north end of my new city. Again, being spring, I felt like a million and got dressed up in my little brown, wrap around skirt and headed out. The skirt ties at the side and tends to flap a bit in the back which usually causes wind to flow thru so I didn't really notice when and where the tie came completely undone till the skirt flew open, whipped off and nearly hit the sidewalk in front of my new Latin American market.
And that brings me to yesterday...
The finale: Yesteday I had to head to UGLY Gallery to pickup a couple of paintings that were still wet from my live, in gallery painting the day before. I threw on a t-shirt and an old skort (men's swim trunks made into a skirt) that I'd made about 6 years ago and off I went. I walked Bugsy up to UGLY but no one was home so walked him around downtown, chatted with a couple of friends, went to the grocery store and stopped by the UGLY neighborhood again. Fiding the door locked, I took Bugs for another walk, grabbed my truck and finally met up with Jeremiah at UGLY who had a gallery full of people.
I picked up one painting, dropped it at the house, drove back, picked up the other painting, chatted with J and some of his vistors, drove home, droppped the 2nd painting at the house. A little while later I went back to the gallery met another UGLY friend, hung out and chatted and eventually headed home to change for a volunteer gig in Pawtucket.
Now, I made the skort about 6 years ago. And although it isn't one of my favorite skorts I do wear it. I've worn it to work, to the movies, on hikes, in the water...pretty much everywhere. But yesterday, for the first time, as I was taking my skort off, I noticed the back end was never really finished. I'd pinned it together, at some point, but never sewn it up. And when I say pin, I mean I stuck a single saftey pin thru two pieces of fabric barely holding the back together - really, it looked like an unsecured tent flap and, when I walk, it's kinda like a precarious tent flap in a wind storm. I'm not sure how many people got to see my behind (encased in pantyhose) yesterday but I'm pretty sure a few people from the mayor's office got a gander as I was confidently walking away from one of our two breezey sidewalk conversations.
Oh Lucy, we should stick to wearing pants.
In complete contrast to the extreme sadness I feel today, I'd like to share three "it could only happend to me and Lucy" stories -
Story 1: About 6 years ago, I got all dressed up and headed off Cape Cod to meet a new friend in Providence. I had on a white blouse, blue Danskos, my favorite blue and white batik cotton wrap skirt on and put all my crap in my new blue cordoroy backpack. Being about 40 lbs lighter than I am now, I felt as confident as a queen. My confidence and I parked the car, marched up to the capital building, marched aroudn the capital building and, not finding my new friend, marched down towards the park. Stll unable to find said friend, I marched over to the train stationa nd then over to Providence Place, the city's upscale mall.
Being spring time, it was still a tad chilly and my skirt was a little thin so my bottom was a chill but I marched along like a little trooper looking for my friend. Along my hike I heard a number of people kinda giggling but it was a nice day, one of the first good days that season and I attributed the giggles to people being happy. It was a fantastic day to be in Providence. The buildings glowed with sunlight. Everyone was chatty and out appreciating that beautiful day in the city.
At some point in my walk, I realized I needed to adjust my backpack which had been bouncing up and down at the base of my back and needed to be adjusted because it was becoming uncomfortable. So I grabbed the base to adjust and felt a stack of cotton fabric.......it was at that point that I realized that, with each little bounce, my backpack had been grabbing my skirt and hiked it up till I was mooning everyone behind me.
Story 2: A couple of years ago, my first spreing day in New Bedford, I set out to explore the north end of my new city. Again, being spring, I felt like a million and got dressed up in my little brown, wrap around skirt and headed out. The skirt ties at the side and tends to flap a bit in the back which usually causes wind to flow thru so I didn't really notice when and where the tie came completely undone till the skirt flew open, whipped off and nearly hit the sidewalk in front of my new Latin American market.
And that brings me to yesterday...
The finale: Yesteday I had to head to UGLY Gallery to pickup a couple of paintings that were still wet from my live, in gallery painting the day before. I threw on a t-shirt and an old skort (men's swim trunks made into a skirt) that I'd made about 6 years ago and off I went. I walked Bugsy up to UGLY but no one was home so walked him around downtown, chatted with a couple of friends, went to the grocery store and stopped by the UGLY neighborhood again. Fiding the door locked, I took Bugs for another walk, grabbed my truck and finally met up with Jeremiah at UGLY who had a gallery full of people.
I picked up one painting, dropped it at the house, drove back, picked up the other painting, chatted with J and some of his vistors, drove home, droppped the 2nd painting at the house. A little while later I went back to the gallery met another UGLY friend, hung out and chatted and eventually headed home to change for a volunteer gig in Pawtucket.
Now, I made the skort about 6 years ago. And although it isn't one of my favorite skorts I do wear it. I've worn it to work, to the movies, on hikes, in the water...pretty much everywhere. But yesterday, for the first time, as I was taking my skort off, I noticed the back end was never really finished. I'd pinned it together, at some point, but never sewn it up. And when I say pin, I mean I stuck a single saftey pin thru two pieces of fabric barely holding the back together - really, it looked like an unsecured tent flap and, when I walk, it's kinda like a precarious tent flap in a wind storm. I'm not sure how many people got to see my behind (encased in pantyhose) yesterday but I'm pretty sure a few people from the mayor's office got a gander as I was confidently walking away from one of our two breezey sidewalk conversations.
Oh Lucy, we should stick to wearing pants.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
9/10 - throwing in the towel : (
Sometimes yah just gotta throw in the towel. Sometimes you wanna throw in the towel but life won't let you so it forces you to learn to tie knots and punishes you for not getting the knots right by dragging you around by your hair. But once you start to get the knots right life takes your newly learned skill and has you tie yourself to the backend of a pickup for a nice drive down a quarry road.
THAT is what learning web design thru Adobe's Dreamweaver has been like for me - being dragged down a road filled with pointy rocks.
After month's of trying (and I mean by trying I mean learning, relearning, buying books, supplimental books, watching vids on Lynda.com frame by frame, getting extra tutoring on the side and, in general, just paying attention) life finally let me throw in the towel. I am pretty determined but I am at the point where I NEED a website or my work and career won't go any further and so the friend of a friend has stepped in to build a site for me. Thank God - not only was I running out of time but I was running out of furniture to smash.
Like letting a painting go when I can't get it to work, this feels so good to not have to work on this stupid site anymore....or for a while. I'm burnt. Now I can move onto other things like printing the book again, writing galleries, meeting with reps, and getting my house clean, doing alternative photo development in my basement and cleaning my house....which looks like I've been working my tail off the past few seasons on everything but cleaning.
To do list:
THAT is what learning web design thru Adobe's Dreamweaver has been like for me - being dragged down a road filled with pointy rocks.
After month's of trying (and I mean by trying I mean learning, relearning, buying books, supplimental books, watching vids on Lynda.com frame by frame, getting extra tutoring on the side and, in general, just paying attention) life finally let me throw in the towel. I am pretty determined but I am at the point where I NEED a website or my work and career won't go any further and so the friend of a friend has stepped in to build a site for me. Thank God - not only was I running out of time but I was running out of furniture to smash.
Like letting a painting go when I can't get it to work, this feels so good to not have to work on this stupid site anymore....or for a while. I'm burnt. Now I can move onto other things like printing the book again, writing galleries, meeting with reps, and getting my house clean, doing alternative photo development in my basement and cleaning my house....which looks like I've been working my tail off the past few seasons on everything but cleaning.
To do list:
- clean
- laundry
- clean somemore
- go thru the piles of papers
- vaccum
- clean fridge
- donation painting to the Pilgrim Church - Working Waterfront, Oct.
- show in Cambridge/Boston, Oct.
- get photo alt photo processing down for show at UGLY, Nov.
- PRINT (silk and copper) for UGLY, Cambridge/Boston show and the tattoo shop gallery
- write galleries
- write publishers
- write reps
- KEEP WORKING TOWARDS WHAT YOU WANT
- STAY OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY
- lose weight
- PAINT
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
09/07
Just submitted my first query email to a rep - I'm anxious because I don't have a contact with this woman so it's a complete leap of faith, belief in what I've made and developed plus a hefty measure of courage that got me to finally do it. However, having Manhattan toy store owner Tina, at Kidding Around, give postive and encouraging feedback and direction to me over the weekend has left me feeling particularly courageous.
After looking at publisher's sites and reading over their criteria I feel it's smarter to find someone interested in not only being my editor but also a buffer. Over the last few years, I've realized at times I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to people who hold power over me and I'm much better off finding someone I trust to broker certain situations with and for me. I.E.: People are confusing and I need help.
Well, it's off to Providence today - gotta get my book to Kinkos to be rescanned again and swing by AS220 and then paperworks to pick up supplies for the next printing.
Man, I'm pooped but I've got my symbol of the furture sitting right in front of me, it's one of the very few souveneirs I bought on my little trip but it's designed to keep me focused. It's supposed to help me to keep my eye on the prize: a 6" Statue of Liberty, torch raised high with "FREEDOM" inscribed on the base. It is a reminder as to what I am working towards and what I want: my freedom and success thru living in NYC.
Another coffee first....
After looking at publisher's sites and reading over their criteria I feel it's smarter to find someone interested in not only being my editor but also a buffer. Over the last few years, I've realized at times I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to people who hold power over me and I'm much better off finding someone I trust to broker certain situations with and for me. I.E.: People are confusing and I need help.
Well, it's off to Providence today - gotta get my book to Kinkos to be rescanned again and swing by AS220 and then paperworks to pick up supplies for the next printing.
Man, I'm pooped but I've got my symbol of the furture sitting right in front of me, it's one of the very few souveneirs I bought on my little trip but it's designed to keep me focused. It's supposed to help me to keep my eye on the prize: a 6" Statue of Liberty, torch raised high with "FREEDOM" inscribed on the base. It is a reminder as to what I am working towards and what I want: my freedom and success thru living in NYC.
Another coffee first....
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Mon. 09/06
There's nothing that can possibly describe the amount of relief I felt being in New York this weekend. After years of wanting to go and dreaming about what the city would be like I'd also built up this belief that only certain people are allowed to go to New York - only special people are allowed to make that trip to the world famous city but this weekend I was there! I stood in the very heart of the world with all it's lights and bussle and food and art and life....I was THERE! And it's not just for certain people or special people, the city is there for everyone but I feel like it's a city that exists for people with goals and ambitions and drive which is me now.
Until a few years ago I was just exhisting and waiting for someone to notice me - I painted, I worked but I never got anywhere. I felt like a hamster in a cage riding it's wheel with no idea how to get anywhere....or why! I loved Cape Cod (for the most part), I was am still am proud to be an upteenth generation, native Cape Codder but I just couldn't get my footing. I was sad, broken hearted, worn down from work and exhausted from trying to get my artwork sold and now here I am, less than 2 years later, filled with confidence, a very strong sense of direction and purpose, headed towards the ultimate goal: being a working artist in New York City. Me. Yup, me. I'm no longer sad, depressed and floundering. I'm marching with a singular thought in mind: SUCCESS in New York. And I will achieve it. ....but first, I gotta write a few thank you notes.
Until a few years ago I was just exhisting and waiting for someone to notice me - I painted, I worked but I never got anywhere. I felt like a hamster in a cage riding it's wheel with no idea how to get anywhere....or why! I loved Cape Cod (for the most part), I was am still am proud to be an upteenth generation, native Cape Codder but I just couldn't get my footing. I was sad, broken hearted, worn down from work and exhausted from trying to get my artwork sold and now here I am, less than 2 years later, filled with confidence, a very strong sense of direction and purpose, headed towards the ultimate goal: being a working artist in New York City. Me. Yup, me. I'm no longer sad, depressed and floundering. I'm marching with a singular thought in mind: SUCCESS in New York. And I will achieve it. ....but first, I gotta write a few thank you notes.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
09/01 Tonight is what my Year of the Rabbit is all about
I started off this year full of plans and goals and lists of things to do to reach my goals. Not everything has worked out EXACTLY as I'd like and not everything is moving as quickly as I'd planned but all in all I'm pretty psyched with what's going on. Not only have I had fantastic opportunities present themselves but, right now, I'm showing with people who are open and happy, full of ideas and direction - which is exactly what I'd hoped for when I started 2011, the year of the rabbit.
It's killing me that I can't share more with anyone who's reading this but.....let me put it this way: I will not be limited to showing in any one town or any one state for very much longer. Wish I could say more but wonderful opportunities are starting to roll in. What a relief it is to have people recognize what I do. I am deeply grateful.
....I'd love to show in Germany. Hmmmmmmm, I love German artwork.
It's killing me that I can't share more with anyone who's reading this but.....let me put it this way: I will not be limited to showing in any one town or any one state for very much longer. Wish I could say more but wonderful opportunities are starting to roll in. What a relief it is to have people recognize what I do. I am deeply grateful.
....I'd love to show in Germany. Hmmmmmmm, I love German artwork.
09/01 - South Coast Today article from Sat. 08/27
U.G.L.Y. Gallery provides a fresh perspective on art downtown
The recently established U.G.L.Y. Gallery is a breath of fresh artistic air in New Bedford, with its emphasis on art using the vocabulary of youthful street culture, skateboarders, graffiti art, and other energetic ethnic and diversified cultural sensibilities. And the gallery is doing it right by presenting these artworks with a professional gallery attitude and intention.
Currently, U.G.L.Y. Gallery is offering an exhibit titled "La Energia: A Delicate Explosion" that features the work of four women from the above-named genres to show the female side of these typically male bastions. But the voices and expressions of women are certainly as valid, if not essential, to make these fully rounded and inclusive expressive activities with their own artistic means, techniques, and subjects.
Two in particular are featured with several examples of their work. Catalina Viejo Lopez de Roda is of Spanish origin, though she was raised in the Canary Islands and then came to the states to receive her education and BFA from Montserrat College of Art in Beverly. She now resides and works in the Boston area in a broad variety of mediums, sizes, and techniques, including painting, collage, drawing, and multi-media combinations.
Four impressive works are nearly life-sized multi-media figures on paper. In her portraits of family and friends, Lopez de Roda combines a familiar Latino palette of bright colors and delicate rendering, with accents of gold, accessorized with "jewelry" of miniature portraits, halos, emanating rays of high coloration, and collaged with fabrics, ribbons, and cut bits of paper. In the first, called "Amber," the depicted figure wears a collage skirt that recalls design elements of the Swiss Symbolist Gustav Klimt. "Mama" is redolent with color in her dress of rainbow colors, but with delineated and carefully shaded hands and face of drawn charcoal.
"Katie" wears a dress of sewn green and white string over her barely visible nude body, and "Barbara" virtually glows, emanating rays of coloration that appears collaged but is in fact hand-applied paint. A selection of six collaged "letters" use her cut-paper bits to replace words with bytes of color. This group is surrounded with her miniature portraits (with one landscape). In addition, a selection of acrylic on panel paintings of family members and friends that are more traditional in presentation, but with that distinctively bold Latino palette.
Native Cape Cod resident Beck Lane has been making art for three decades, and exhibiting prolifically across that area. Now a resident of New Bedford, Lane's recent work explosively combines the energy of street art and graffiti with more traditional approaches to portraiture and figuration. In her more tradition mode, Lane displays an economical use of paint-handling that is descriptively alluring and engaging. More expressive and open are her more abstract examples that pulse with vibrating linear and poured paint energy. A quartet of square panels of drywall are portraits of dolls and child faces that are charming in their commentary on racial and cultural differences and similarities.
Fabric artist Kate Frazer is represented with 10 examples of her brightly colored sewn and stuffed "figures" and objects that are playful, organic, sometimes a bit disturbing, and whimsical. And Genevieve Steel is showing a single object called "Barbie Satyr Amphora," a mixed media vase that is composed of found objects infused with silver, wax, porcelain, and plastic. It is intriguing, but as a singular example of her work, difficult to determine her larger sensibilities and intentions. I look forward to more exhibits at this new addition to New Bedford's artistic community.
09/01 - Unicorns on the moon
So I'm no further ahead in my website than I was 5 months ago. In fact, since I lost most of the content on approx 21 pages working with my server, I believe I may even be further behind.
Speaking of behinds, I've been sitting on mine (behind) up to 18 hrs a day working feverishly to redo all the work that was lost last week but it still comes down to this one thing that I can't figure out - how to make my images go from thumbnails to preview size to a nice fullsize image in Lightbox presentation. For days (really, MONTHS) now I've been following videos on Lynda.com watching the same Jquery program vids over and over, following each piece of information frame by frame and combing thru code in each vid over and over and over and over but I stll can't simply click on an image and get it to expand (....something that should be so simple for a person with 1/2 a brain). Tomorrow I'm headed to NY, a goal I've been working my butt off for and I don't have the ONE thing I need to make me look like a credible artist - a stupid, fucking, working website. I do however how a butt the size of a woman who's been sitting at her computer for months on end.
I haven't given up, this is a mission I cannot fail. I'm fully invested - since I signed up for web design class at RISD this past winter building a website has been my main focus and I've given up a lot of fun opportunities to get this goal accomplished - I don't allow myself to enjoy fun opportunities till I've reached my set goals. I've missed out on so much this summer: I didn't go to the cinema (a super special summer favorite), I gave up weeks of kayaing, camping, exploring - 1/2 the stuff I had set as rewards for myself this summer; I made Bugsy wait to go on walks, gave up afternoons in the park with him, skipped the gym and excercise to get this done; and , of course, the big one - I'VE HAD TO GIVE UP PAINTING FOR WEEKS AT A TIME TO TRY TO BUILD A WEBSITE THRU DREAMWEAVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I might as well have set my mind to raising unicorns on the moon as my goal because it always comes down to this one tiny piece of information, the one question I've been asking for 5-7 months - HOW DO I MAKE THE FUCKING THUMBNAILS EXPAND?????????????????????? WHAT'S THE CODE TO MAKING THIS WORK??????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like I've been playing out different versions of this same scenerio my whole life. Like I've always been looking for that one piece of info that'll make my art career, my family life, my job opportunities work.....what's that one thing I'm missing that'll help make everything else expand. I feel like I'm so close to breaking the code and having things fall into place but there's always one thing, one piece of information I'm missing to make it all work.
Just like finding the one, teen tiny piece of code that'll get this this stupid, fucking website work, I literaly feel like I'm a hare's breath away from finding the one thing, possibly that one person that'll facilitate the energy needed to help me start to get all (or most) of my (art) goals falling into place.
Fucking website. STUPID FUCKING WEBSITE. I give up for now, I'm going to the gym.
Speaking of behinds, I've been sitting on mine (behind) up to 18 hrs a day working feverishly to redo all the work that was lost last week but it still comes down to this one thing that I can't figure out - how to make my images go from thumbnails to preview size to a nice fullsize image in Lightbox presentation. For days (really, MONTHS) now I've been following videos on Lynda.com watching the same Jquery program vids over and over, following each piece of information frame by frame and combing thru code in each vid over and over and over and over but I stll can't simply click on an image and get it to expand (....something that should be so simple for a person with 1/2 a brain). Tomorrow I'm headed to NY, a goal I've been working my butt off for and I don't have the ONE thing I need to make me look like a credible artist - a stupid, fucking, working website. I do however how a butt the size of a woman who's been sitting at her computer for months on end.
I haven't given up, this is a mission I cannot fail. I'm fully invested - since I signed up for web design class at RISD this past winter building a website has been my main focus and I've given up a lot of fun opportunities to get this goal accomplished - I don't allow myself to enjoy fun opportunities till I've reached my set goals. I've missed out on so much this summer: I didn't go to the cinema (a super special summer favorite), I gave up weeks of kayaing, camping, exploring - 1/2 the stuff I had set as rewards for myself this summer; I made Bugsy wait to go on walks, gave up afternoons in the park with him, skipped the gym and excercise to get this done; and , of course, the big one - I'VE HAD TO GIVE UP PAINTING FOR WEEKS AT A TIME TO TRY TO BUILD A WEBSITE THRU DREAMWEAVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I might as well have set my mind to raising unicorns on the moon as my goal because it always comes down to this one tiny piece of information, the one question I've been asking for 5-7 months - HOW DO I MAKE THE FUCKING THUMBNAILS EXPAND?????????????????????? WHAT'S THE CODE TO MAKING THIS WORK??????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like I've been playing out different versions of this same scenerio my whole life. Like I've always been looking for that one piece of info that'll make my art career, my family life, my job opportunities work.....what's that one thing I'm missing that'll help make everything else expand. I feel like I'm so close to breaking the code and having things fall into place but there's always one thing, one piece of information I'm missing to make it all work.
Just like finding the one, teen tiny piece of code that'll get this this stupid, fucking website work, I literaly feel like I'm a hare's breath away from finding the one thing, possibly that one person that'll facilitate the energy needed to help me start to get all (or most) of my (art) goals falling into place.
Fucking website. STUPID FUCKING WEBSITE. I give up for now, I'm going to the gym.
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