Today, I'm starting a blog. The mission is to catalog the steps I'm making to get myself off the ground (again) as an artist. Being 47, almost 48, I'm terrified I might never reach my goals - not because I'm in capable, I have talent and a tremendous amount of drive, but because I've spent my life hitting roadblocks and an incident last night felt like I'd hit another roadblock and brought my fear of never making it right to the surface.
After printing all day at AS220, an artist community in downtown Providence, I headed to a hip little corner restaurant before class at RISD. I'd been to the restaurant several times before and had been treated oddly but this time I got the once over by the counter girl and was immediately made to feel unwelcome by her and the cooks - I'm not sure what they were thinking but, from the looks and tone, I feel they assesed my relevance as a customer as being less than necessary because of my age and looks. I got the feeling I wasn't worthy of buying their beef stew. The interaction was just so odd, not something I expect in a city like Providence.
The way they looked at me and the way they treated me sent me into an anxiety attack that lasted all night - I can't stop thinking "I'm never going to make it. I'm not young enough. My work will die with me".
So, I'm setting up this blog. I want to record what I've done in 2011, what I am doing and where I hope to go with it all. Hopefully, I'm wrong, and my work is relevant but also, I hope I'M relevant enough to have a furture.