07/30 - Saturday

This week has just flown by and I'm not sure I've gotten enough done. I did decide to drop my personal trianer for now and push myself to lose weight on my own - I've lost 5 lbs since Monday but am in a lot of [RSD] nerve pain and having trouble walking. It will pass, like it always does but for the moment...ouch.

Finshed "Run rabbit run" a 24" x 24" painted illustration of a character I'm calling "Sassy Frassy". Sassy is based on a lil carved ebony  doll I bought and have been thinking about since last summer. The doll stands approx. 2" high, is solid black and who's extremities move. I've been obsessed with Sassy because her tongue is sticking out in the most angry, aggressive manner possible. In the illustration(s) Sassy is running, legs splayed, pink underwear cutting into her vagina, arms in motion - she's funny and tough and angry with us. I just love her.

The trick is to make sure I don't come across as providing another typical, racist illustration of a black child. My intent, and art is ALWAYS about intent, is to illustrate defience, anger, discontent and action as it realtes to time thru Sassy - she's running with rabbits who represent time, change, etc. We'll see how it is received and perceived or ignored.

I bought Sassy, who came in a set of 4 ebony dolls, last summer because I really liked her defiant face- she looks exactly the way I feel most of the time, like: "fuck you, get out of my way". Only she can say it expressively and silently. Last week I bought a companion doll who is completely the opposite of Sasy. I'm calling her Sissy Prissy. Her face has an expression of solid trepedation and fear. She's fantastically creepy - I can't image a child wanting to own a doll who's face is as decidely fearful of the world as Sissy is.

Onto other things -
So let's see, on the menu today:

• Finish up my two panel - Sassy Frassy and Prissy Polly, face off.
• Walk Bugs...ugh
• SHOWER!
• Apply metal wire to painting
• Start large portrait of a man
• Work on BOOK illustrtations!!!!!!! 
• Kill neighbor.

07/29 - "Milkshake" painted 07/28

07/29 - Friday

Getting ready for the show at UGLY in two weeks - so along with a massive list of to dos that I've been to doing to not only get ready for the show but also to build on my art "career", I've completed (or nearly completed) 6 new works specifically for the show. UGLY is a bright, sharp gallery here in New Bedford that hosts bright, colorful, contemporary works by bright young artsist - and although I can't become a bright young artist I can create work that reflects the gallery's misson. So, instead of walking int he door with a stack of dour, dark paintings I've put together a few pieces that are meant to reflect the gallery and it's audience without being either a parody or a condescending attempt to fit in. Most of all I want to sell, that should always be the bottom line - sell, sell, sell.

http://www.uglygallery.com/  BTW - UGLY stands for: U Gutta Love Yourself....so cool. the name is the perfect reflection of how positive and uplifting these guys are that's why I can't bring in dark, hi I'm a crazy person who lives in a cave work.

And, as soon as I figure out how, I'll have work for the show posted on my wbe page http://www.becklane.com/index.html and I'm posting it on my FB page Beck Lane, artist

www.facebook.com/people/Beck-Lane-Artist/100002159828818.

07/27 - Wed.

Okay - still working on website and getting the pictures to enlarge in an attractive window. Can't wait till that's done but once it is I get to start all over - the site's window is too large and, now that I have more experience, I want to make build a better mousetrap.

Two days ago I found out I'd gained 20 lbs not only missing ALL my weight loss goals but adding to the problem. My gain is frustrating and seems impossible - it's a problem I've struggled with all my workout life. It seems that every weight I lift or push adds to my body weight. Every step forward puts on a nother pound. And I did waiver bewteen just throwing in the towel and putting y energy and focus elsewhere and digging in further. I decided to dig in further. I've also decided to cancel upcoming appointments with my personal trainer, go in to the gym 6-7 days, workout no matter how bad I feel and hang up notes around the house with my weight written on it. I thought I was doing the best I could before - I will work harder. My first original goal was to lose 25 lbs, that didn't happen instead I gained. My new reset goal is 50 lbs. I WILL attain it. I WILL take my frustration and turn it into determination and lose 50 by Columbus Day.

07/26 - Tuesday

Okay so, even after months of work, the website is not what I want. I found out in class last night,during our critique, that some of the links don't work, the fonts don't work in every engine and I still don't have a nice looking workable window to view my pop up images. It's frustrating but okay - I know what to do to fix most of the problems. The rest my instructor, Donna Salisbury is helping me with.

I am, however, deeply disspaointed in myself - my weight most specifically.I joined a gym in Jan(?) with the goal of losing 35lbs by my birthday in April which would get me below 200. I hired a personal trainer, set goals at the gym, went like clockwork and didn't lose an ounce. So, increased my workouts with the trainer, nothin' - my birthday came and went and I didn't reach my goal.

Mid April, I hired another trainer. It's been 3 months and instead of losing I've gained 20 lbs. My diet is extremely simple, clean - at the core of it is lettuce and a fresh vegetable drink. I've cut out anythign extra - no more almonds, no more Whole Foods granola, I limit my baked goods to one items once every two days, IF I get ice cream it's a small soft serve once a week which I split with Bugsy. I walk Bugsy 3 times a day up to an hour each, take him for 1-2 hikes, find walks that are primarily up hill, ride my bike for as long as I can, walk the treadmill, blah, blah, blah. Not only am I getting not only absolutely no where, in fact, I'm going backwards.

I cannot take another year at this weight/size but have no idea what to do to get where I want to be - the RSD has put limits my workouts, my the injuries make certain exercises an impossible...I am absolutely desperate at this point. On the whole I feel incredibly fortunate, this is one place I feel stymied.

For the August show at U.G.L.Y. "Something moved when I moved".

Monday 07/25

Now that I have a basic version of my website up I can start to concentrate on other things like keeping my head down, my eye on my goals and aslo keeping my fingers that all this work and money is going to pay off. I'm so afraid of the "what ifs" that I have a hard time sleeping. What if nothing sells, what if the book isn't book up, what if my shows don't produce lucractive shows and ventures - I'm afraid I will end up exactly where my father told me I'd be: destitute and on the street. I'm scared shitless but I have to keep working on my work, I have too.

Hopefully, my big project this year, my website, will reach search engines and can be searched more easily. Till then the only way to find it is thru the address bar and posted links:
http://www.becklane.com/index.html
There's still a lot of work to be done on it but at least I have a base now. That's kinda the way I feel about everything that's happened this year - I've taken my money (a lot of money) and built a good base I can work from by setting goals, building a plan and sticking to the plan. It's not something I was ever taught to do but I've learned how thru trial and error (a lot of errors) and years of not understanding what I wanted or how to get things done but now I'm there and fully capable of doing extrordinary things....if the universe will let me.

10:45 pm Sat. 7/23

Jeezus Kristmas - I never thought I'd learn how but I did - I learned how to center my webpages tonight!!! It was a matter of learning the right code and I was able to get it thru Youtube. I looked up "center my webpage Dreamweaver CS5" and a number of vids popped up. Tomorrow and Monday I'll work on applying code that will alllow the viewer to click on images and have them enlarge, AWESOME!!!!  

I'm so psyched but I NEVER would have been able to learn this without Donna Salisbury. Not only is she a professional web designer who works with large (Hasbro is one) and small companies but she's a great teacher, great tutor and an EXTREMELY patient, gracious person. If you'd like to get ahold of Donna I have her email address posted on my "Links" page at: http://www.becklane.com/index.html.

What a great day!

It's been 6 (?) weeks since my last blog post - I've been working my tail off on several projects but the biggest being my website: http://www.becklane.com/index.html . It's not perfect and it needs some tweaking but at least it's up, it's a start - i'm completely thrilled to have a base to work from. The next step will be adding applications that will allow the view to click on each of the images and make them larger as well as getting the sucker to center on the screen....both of which are proving to problematic. Oh well......after 5 months of hard work, endless tears, 4 smashed keyboards and 1 destroyed antique table I have a website. Too cool.