Mon. 05/31

Make no mistake, I'm still not "over" my failure in web design class. Not meaning to be overly dramatic, I am grief stricken and in a panic so bad I keep having nightmares - this web site is/was part of a multi goal process designed to get me started, get my work out there and hopefully into good, active, sales driven, client oriented galleries.

I have so many attainable goals, like the website, that needed to be met - lose 25-35lbs by Memorial, have at least 2 shows a month booked, mailout brocheres and cds, blah, blah blah. They are not done but let me list what I have done this last quarter:

• Learned a few basics in DW
• Learend a few basics in Photoshop
• Joined Lynda.com to learn how to use DW and Photoshop
• Joined an artist's critique group
• Started getting rid of things I don't need
• Taken classes in: Intaglio, Chine Cole; Van Dyke Brown and Gum Bichromate photo processing  
• I've started working on drypoint illustrations
• Had my portfolio photographed and put in a fantastic brochere
• Produced several dozen works
• Bought a kayak and a bike- two pieces of equipment I've been thinking about getting for 6 and 3 years respectively

Although I'm not a big fan of looking back and saying "look what I've done", I think once in a while, right now I have to. I'm overwhelmed with the feeling of failure again and it's paralyzing me. I'm paralyzed with fear and sadness because if I don't get my goals to work and my art to sell I have no where to go and, right now, it looks like I'm going to fail at getting my life to work in any measured way.

Sunday 05/29

Well,I just threw in the towel on a class I've been working on for 3 months. Normally, I'm not a quitter. I am not a quitter, quitty pants but this has been one of the most frustrating experiences of my adult life - yes, including taking a class in statistics.

I signed up for a Dreamweaver web design class at RISD. The stated goal was that all students, regardless of experience (or lack of experience) with DW, would have a website in 12 weeks.  Hoqwever, 12 weeks later most of us don't have a site. I don't blame the teacher, I blame RISD - they laid out the carricullum and told our teacher not to veer off the syllabus; 1/2 the time RISD didn't supply a class outline till minutes before class; they supplied us with an assistant teacher who didn't really know DW or how to help teach it; and on top of all that, the computers kept freezing and shutting down. You very simply cannot run a computer class with computers that don't work. The worst part of DW at RISD is that you really need to know how to use DW before you take the DW class which I didn't and don't.

So, 12 weeks, $2,000 and 100s of hours of work later I don't have a single page to put up on the web. I am deeply dissapointed and so frustrated I'm not sure I will bother driving to my last class - I am heartbroken by this RISD "experience".

What's eating at me now (besides all the time, effort and money I've poured into this class) is that for the last month or so I've put everything else on hold - I've had little time for production, my blog, mail outs, etc. I've poured myself into understanding the program so I can reach my web goals in this class and have failed miserably. The setbacks are overwhelming.

Other blogs-

Found a terrific art blog out of New York : http://www.artfagcity.com/
Interantional art: http://www.woostercollective.com/
Variety of artists: http://www.booooooom.com/
A terrifficly informative blog:http://modernartobsession.blogs.com/

Enjoy - I'm off to an Intaglio class at AS220.

Cont'd

  "Malleus Maleficarum" is a 5' x 3', oil on acrylic work intended for the Judith Klein Gallery's show on women's figures; the painting pictured below is about 70% thru.

Monday 05/16

I didn't realize the past two weeks had gone by without me making a single entry till last night when a reader had pointed it out - time does fly.......

Most of my time has been devoted to my web design class lately. The last 2 1/2 weeks specifically. I can't tell you how frustrating this class has been - the minute I think I've got a lesson, turns out I don't and all my content dissapears. I won't get into it now, hopefully soon I'll have a site up and working in spite of me. What I will do is post pics from a painting in the works....pics from the start to now - the almost done step:

Sat. 04/30

I am feeling incredibly discouraged - yesterday I found two people smoking crack in my fenced in backyard, my basement is filled with water again, I have ants marching around the living room area ...and they're HUGE but, most oif all, I've been working my tail off trying to get booked in shows and it isn't happening as much as I need. I'm painting, printing, taking photographs; taking a class in web design, signed up for another photo processing class and a class in archival pastes. I'm sending out and handing out my  illustrated book, sending out and handing out my portfolio brochere and disc. I feel like there's an invisible wall and I need to learn how to break thru it....but how? I watch other people passively squander opportunites while I work my tail off to get the door open even a crack.

My frustration is shared by people on the fringes, people who are injured and alone, but I feel like life keeps handing me an experienec that's taylored to me: insult after insult and injury after injury and a barrier that's snidely daring me to continue. I am full of direction - I know what I want, I'm working for what I need, setting goals and reaching them and I can see it all but there's a barrier between me and success. Hopefully, this is temporary but I'm afraid it could continue to be my life.



                                                       

I've been worked with:

• a broken foot
• shattered big toe
• shredded tendons in my back
• broken nose, fingers
• and not only continued to with 3 broken ribs but traveled 7 hours to my niece's wedding the day after i broke them 
• pneumonia, bronchitis, the flu
• I worked till my (delivery) due date
• worked while I was diagnosed with tumors; and after I had my hysterctomy (and bled out and had to have surgery to close an artery that had been sliced open; and then walked one mile one day after being released from surgery. Walked two miles my 2nd day out. 
• 2 weeks after I the hysterctomy, I went on a shceduled Boy Scout training seminar 

My old boss told me to learn how to paint with my feet since my arms didn't work anymore. I tried.

I'm posting about this because I find it hard to fit in. Most people find it easy to get away from doing. They relax, go on vacation, hang out, chill. I can't do it and I don't understand how anyone can. It's not productive, it's lazy and  a waste of time - a waste of time you can't get back. In my mind, if you can walk - walk as far as you can everyday. Don't waste the ability; if you can do - do; if can creat - create. Be as productive as you can everyday all day. Why waste when you can do? Everyday I see dozens of men....MEN coming and going out of the soup kitchen next door and hanging out on the street. It makes me so angry - there's so much they could be doing to push their lives forward but instead, they chose to just sit there. I just don't understand how anyone can just sit there, doing nothing.

Yah know, I don't remember the last day I had that wasn't filled with crippling pain. Before I got sick I walked up to 14 miles a day. Today I'm lucky if I can walk a mile or two but I try, I have to try. I am compelled by the need to try, to push myself.

There really isn't a point to this, I'm thinking a lot of things thru. I'm really thinking I need to move to a place where people actually set goals and then work towards those goals. I need to find people who are driven and have passion. Wonder if I can get out of my lease.....

More work, work, work

Wednesday 04/27 Finishing up the set of paintings for "Why didn't we make them stop". Hope to have it done soon....very, very soon.

Work, work, work

Some prints done Sun. 04/24 and Tues. 04/26. There's a couple dozen total - some are black on black on black and meant to play with light. The more colorful prints will have color and texture added to them asap.

Found the key -

I've been working on a fairly complicated idea for a while now. Normally, I set up a kind of puzzle for myself and then work to make it more difficult, almost impossible to figure out, and then something happens and I make it work. This set of 13-14 paintings "Why didn't we make them stop" has been a bear of a project/puzzle to unlock. I finally did last night. Now it should only take another day or two to get the wrapped up.

Tues. 04/26

Can't believe this month is almost over - I haven't gotten nearly as far as I wanted to/needed to. I think I've given this month my best but I still am angry I didn't fill my calender up with shows. I'm booked for a group show in June, a possible show in August, I do have something for November as well as a one month booked for next year but I should have at least two shows booked each month - also, I need to sell. I really need to sell.  Showing is great and a step but selling is the goal.

Today I'm headed back to AS220 to work on some black on black prints that I left to dry - I still have some wok to do to get them to the right level  of detail and then I've got another image I'm going to print - multi color this time. Hopefully, these prints will produce quick sales. I've been offered a space in an online store but I also want to try Etsy. I'm not sure my stuff is very Etsy but I'll give it a try. For my mental health, for my emotional health and for my financial health I need to sell.

Thurs. 04/21

Today is gonna be one of those days - I've tried to prep for but I'm not as prepped as I need to be. I have web design class at RISD tonight and I'm just not getting it. This was a huge waste of money but, regardless, I'm headed in with my entire pc in the hopes my teacher can get me to understand what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing. So, it's off tot he shower, walk the Bugsy, pack up the computer, head to AS220 to clean screens and print and then class. .......I just wanna stay here and paint.

P.S. Made it to the gym again last night. Hurtin', not any stronger but at least I worked out.....I want my personal trainer back.n

Working on work 04/20 - 14 paintings. No title yet.